the twin and i

this is my twin and i . Aren't we lovely. Even though we only live right down the street from each other , I hardly ever see him. He has finally gotten his life together, and I am smiling for him.

Today in Life

I am hitting a snag in my writing. I am trying to deal with a lot of things, things that I have yet to address in my life. I finally wrote an essay about something traumatizing that I went through, and it took me about a year to write it. I felt like it was finally time, because I never addressed the issue. But here I stand, and I am strong. After everything I have been through in life, I still manage to persevere. I am proud of me.

rapper

i think i could be a decent rapper . considering how lame hip hop has become now a days , if i just say some shit and it rhymes i should be getting a deal right ? i have such a bad headache right now . also if you want you could throw some autotune on my voice and ill bet you i could sing !

My Disappearance

I have been gone for quite sometime, but now I am back. I have been really busy. I moved back to Massachusetts, things just were not working out in New York. I had a car but it is gone now, but I have a job so I am on a mission to get a new one. Back on my school status, but this school is so lame. No one takes Massasoit seriously. This is a two-year school, why have you been attending this school for like four years? It is seriously time for people to get their lives together.

i say to you

this struggle that we go through is a mere hurdle
fighting against all odds to survive.
butchered and hammered into the ground lay our hearts .
two divided fragments of a soul fractured . undone .
inequities of a being ; they struggle to maintain the unified bond even through sorrow . triumphant is he who dealt the first blow .
a solid creation of god ; one rib cracked shall bring forth anew.
so you see, in essence we are one in the same .
let go of the pain , the strife , face facts and see what is needed most.
beyond even where finances and stability can reach .
in the end we shall rise ; together man and wife
hearts beat in unison on the inside
while the rhythym of your blood flows through my soul .
through the battlefield of belonging is the consistency of war .
not one left victorious , all wear wounds of twice healed scars .
rather to fight than to submit is what i choose .
as long as the battle is with you .
at last the fight seems worth it .

my mothers daughter

last i checked my name was chanelle

my inpsiration
courtney, ms. blevines, whichever works for you
but as of late i guess people must have forgotten
i love to claim my names (just ask anyone who knows me)
yet, they still refer to me as "tressa's daughter"
or the classic phrase of description "she's just like her mother"
what the hell does that mean?
realization has drawn my conclusion
nutt heads as we may, i am the mini-version.
although i am fighting for my own recognition, i am starting a revolution for all the other out there like me.
to be known as something different.
the umbilical cord says otherwise. opening that gaping hole. that belly button.
one of the greatest conenctions that could possibly be attained.
i love her still, she will never be replaced as she course through my veins.
i told you i have strived to be better, but when made to walk in her shoes, they fit as if they were my own.
i began the transition to embrace her identity
to show nobility in calling myself my mother's daughter.
i will walk in her shoes, yes, but i will do so taking my own path
so i am my mothers daughter
but please, call me chanelle .

feel it ?

i close my eyes so that i can see you with my soul
i am nervous but the darkness behind my eyes helps me to focus. a surge of adrenaline rushes through my veins. as i try to convey my thoughts to this crowd.
daring to take a peek, to see if any are swayed by my speech. do i move you?
can you feel my pain?
the redness in my face shows im anxious, but i desperately need for you to feel me.
without communication we'd be zombies, searching for a purpose and the right means for living.
i know if i open my eyes i am subject to a sweat bath, shivers, and non-breathing. but i still need for you to feel me!
my words are real, and i have something to say. to hell with anxiety, you can't keep me from my blessing. i'll stand here and lose train of my thoughts, but that's why they invented cue cards.
guess i'll be uncomfortable, but i have some things get off my chest. so i'll lift these heavy lids, and if the odor from my sweat starts to make you feel uncomfortable, just bear with me.
i want to tell you how i think. a poem to recite.
i'm scared, but i need for you to feel me!

afraid

i am living , but what is to come of me when i am gone?
i am scared , because i do not believe
so many use His name in vain, but do not praise His ever-lasting glory.
i can not succumb to this, although my prayers are on the tip of my tongue.
i can not bring myself to say them
i am scared
the anxious feeling in m chest does not bring comfort
i wish it was a bit easier.
that vampires were real so i could be bit into immortality
or that a wizrd could majesticaly grant me eternal life, never-aging.
this is blasphemy, but the imagination can only help to wander
i am scared
so many fights, so many dying, mass funerals right now as i breathe
i live in the sanctuary of my country while others fight to survive, yet i claim to be scared
panic attacks become more frequent, my breath is harder to catch, and insomnia keeps me from my dreams.
they are relentless! i make a mark in the world just to be forgotten
i am scared
i do not want to die. my biggest fear next to heights. i am shaking as i write, because the next breath i take could be my last.
we are not living. we are stealing time, i can not describe how i feel, but i can tell you that the thought of death consumes me. leaves me empty
i will always be scared.

ADSN

It is 2010. And sadly we still have people who "AINT DOING SHIT".

we refer to them as such: aint doing shit niggas.

niggas who are thirty and have NO LICENSE. not even a damn permit.

niggas who want rides places that they can't even get to by BAT BUS.

niggas trying to borrow twenty dollars , but got money to go the club .

niggas who still talk about how they "trap" and are twenty five years old with a kid and live on someone's couch .

being over the age of forty and selling percocets for a loaf of bread .

my father seems to be one of these culprits; he just lives his life through weed and alcohol. how embarassing.

this is just the beginning , its a disease . if you have witnessed ADSN in your local neighborhood feel free to report them !