39 Weeks and Counting . . .

Today makes the thirty-nine week mark for me. I figured that it's about time for me to get back to blogging, considering that once she comes I won't be doing much of anything else. I am so nervous about being a mother. I am also INCREDIBLY nervous about giving birth. I had the AUDACITY to watch a video about labor, and I thought I was going to puke. It looks so gross, and I don't want to see my private parts stretching out like that.

There are so many things that I feel like I need to get in order. I REALLY want to work on things with my baby's father. I am not trying to be in a relationship with him again, but how can we be parents together if we can't even talk without arguing? After all of the things that we have been through, and for as long as we were together, I didn't ever think that things would turn out like this. I love him to death, I just wish that things could be different.

The way I see it, at least I am not some young teenage high school kid trying to have a baby. I'm twenty-one and I know what I want out of life. I'm in college, I work, and I have a nice car. I know that these things don't mean that I will be a good parent, but it will help me get there. I want to provide Cydni with everything that she needs and more. I love her already more than life itself, and I am just ready to meet the little creature that invaded my body for ten months!

Late Night Thoughts

Its crazy sometimes what life throws at you. I've been handed a dozen lemons, and have been able to make a dozen lemonades. But who wouldve thought that I would be that girl? The girl who is lonely and pregnant.

 

The funny thing is, I don't let it bring me down. I know a few people in my situation who are anything but happy. A few years ago, I wouldve been that same girl, but now I am more or less reflective. I can't spend time dwelling on what could have been, or what should have been. I can only spend time thinking about what will be.

 

I have a precious little gift by the name of Cydni that is growing as we speak. The only thing that I can do is be the best mother that I can be for her. And pray that her life turns out more fortunate than the negative obstacles I had to overcome.

 

Hopefully, she will love me as much as I love her already.

For Her

Tiny kicks and punches encased in skin
The softest giggle gently parts my lips
An inspiration beyond even a hero .
       She fights a battle that ive already won for her.
Grasping at life through this shared umbilical cord ; she is destined for greatness.
     I can already imagine her tiny fingers grabbing just my one.
Swimming in a sea of me, a sea of her. A sea of US.
    She might not know it yet. But I love her.

Books and Friends

Also, two of my friends and I have decided to write a book full of poems. But as of late, I have not been happy with my work. Considering everything that I have been through in my life up to this point, you would think that I would have a lot to say. And I do, but the words are not coming together and forming the way that I would like them to.

I could talk about my struggles of being a single parent. Or I could talk about struggles that I just have in general. Or how about the joys of being pregnant? I love feeling little Cydni. It feels like a fish in a bowl of water!

I have written about seven poems so far, and I do not like ANYTHING that I wrote. I could use some of my older poems that I absolutely LOVE, but I feel like this book should be comprised of recent writings. Considering that we said we would have twenty poems by the end of the month, I only have eleven more days to complete this task. I hope that something hits my brain soon. We will see what happens!

Mom - January 5, 2011

One of the many new titles that can be added to my name. Daughter. Sister. Niece. Now I am a soon to be mother. I wonder sometimes if I will be able to handle the responsibility that comes with being a parent. I have a slight anger issue, but I honestly don't believe that will ever be an issue when it comes to my daughter.

I plan on naming her Cydni Amari. Everyone tries to make these off-handed comments saying that they are glad the the name isn't "a ghetto name". Why is that even a statement that is being made. So because I am black, my child is destined to have a ghetto name? I name her what I felt in my heart to name her. I didn't choose the name because I wanted it to be "WHITE". The name spoke to me. Can I live?

I am so excited to have her. Her due date is January 5, 2011. I have a feeling that she might end up coming before that. My mother is more excited about her due date than I am because everyone else in my immediate family happens to be Capricorns. Only my twin brother and I are Libras.

At the end of the day, I hope that I can provide enough inspiration and guidance necessary for my daughter to succeed. Growing up, I never talked about how I wanted to be married, or have kids. I had set goals in life. Things that I wanted to accomplish and achieve. I will still achieve all of the things that I set out to do, but my main priority now will be my daughter. I love her more than life itself already, and I haven't even met her yet. All I can do now is poke me stomach and giggle with glee when she kicks me back. :)

amenities

solitude even in the dwelling that has become my life

i have many things that anyone in my situation would want
more than someone in my position could afford ; but yet i am still discontented
i never go without
my refrigerator is complete with nutrients to satisfy any mans hunger
my closet is comfortably adjusted to my lifestlye
and my computer receives the best firewall protection that can be provided
so wherein is the underlying cause of my anguish
my phone bill has never missed a payment
public tansportation is the enemy now that i have my own set of wheels
the plush vera wang mattress conforms to my back as i sleep
and the velvety blanket comoforts me in the cold
this personal collection has now become my life
my child shall never have to want for anything ; she will sit in the lap of luxury with me .
so what am i missing ?

untitled

these desolate thoughts have become a burden to carry

i know not what to make of them ; and do not care to share them with others
they feed on darkeness and shadows ; and i so long to be part of the light
why must i be so contentious
my soul fights within itself ; fighting the malevolent person i have become
trying to find the innocence i once possesed
i yearn to be released ; my sanity depends on it
where i should be filled with happiness ; i am instead hollowed with misery
i pray that these things come to pass
for the sake of the health and safety of my daughter

My New Poems

As of late , my poems have been really depressing . The latest ones i am about to post are really downtrodden. But I seem to have brought myself out of my funk, just as long as no one messes with me. Stay tuned for updates!

gone

what is there to say when she is filled with doubt

when all hope seems lost and dreams become nothing but memories stolen

the shadows comfort her in her sorrows

yet, she searches for the sun

where has her bright light gone

why are the stars and the moon missing from her night sky?

she resides in the shade; not even the heat from the sun can warm her heart

a time to be claimed as joyous ; has instead been filled with misery

who is she now? but a fragment of the beautiful delicacy she once was

i dearly wish to find her ;

so i can tell her how i much i miss her

New Chapter

I am starting a new chapter in my life. I feel like it is about that time. My mom is really sick, and has to get chemotherapy soon. So I will be moving to Virginia because I want to make sure that she is okay. I am also out of my first trimester of pregnancy. I am currently 3 and a half months pregnant. I am scared at times, but I know that I can handle it. When the time comes I think that I will be a good parent. I will just be a single one, but thats cool. I tried to work things out with the baby's father, but it seems like everything else is more important to him than the situation that we have at hand right now. We have a baby on the way, and its like I can't explain it but he just isn't on board with me the way that I would like for him to be. So I guess that I will just have to do what is best for me and help my mom out so that she can be better. At the end of the day that is all that it will be. My mother, the baby, and me.

Jump Off

I was gone for a minute, but now I am back. So for all of those who do not know, I am pregnant. I am trying to write down my journey thus far, so that I can remember what I went through. I am feeling so many things, and the best way for me to deal with all of that is by writing. This morning I went through m first battle with morning sickness, and I absolutely HATE IT. Hopefully I can find something to counter it so that it does not happen every morning. People are acting shocked, and I know that there are those that are going to have negative comments. But I do not care, because this is my life to live. Not theirs.

meeeee

my life as it stands

I have been writing , a lot lately actually. Which is a real surprise because I had a bit of a block at one point. I have been writing poems, raps, thoughts anything that comes to mind. Pretty soon I should have my car, so my life seems to be going on track. At times, I have to wonder though. Will things always be this good, will they get worse? Or because things are so good will i subconsciously try to sabotage it? These are things I reflect on, and I would really like to figure out. I am trying to grow and become who I want to be in the future.

who i am today

1.i am too scared to watch the movie 2012
2. i refuse to write with anything less than a fine point pen
3. i get something pierced just to take it out (eyebrow 2x, lipring 3x, belly buitton, nose ring 2x, innear ear 2x)
4. i like to toast my waffles before microwaving them
5. i eat my m&ms and reese's pieces in even numbers, the last odd one gets thrown away
6. i love to wear weave ; its the highlight of my day
7. i have learned to like tomatoes , as long as they are fried
8. i really dont like beef, i prefer chicken
9. i have another twin by the name of stephanie andrade
10. i recently learned how to drive stick , and refuse to go back to automatic
11. shaquiesha is the name of my alter ego
12. i am hopelessly devoted to a man named adler evens lamarre
13. i am terrified of death ; but then again who isnt
14. i am a survivor of domestic violence
15. i am a would be mother
16. i cried like a baby when michael jackson died
17. i am twenty year old with defective braces !
18. the bar code on my wrist DOES NOT scan , trust me ive tried .
19. i hate giving speeche , but i LOVE to talk
20. i go on youtube just to watch the twerk team
21. i like to have brandy with dinner
22. i do not have a father ; i am from a sperm bank in illinois called little angels
23. i used to have a best friend , but they became over rated
24. i wake up to facebook, myspace, and twitter (in that order) before i even out on my glasses
25. my favorite color has FINALLY been clarified : PURPLE
26. i am too scared to write my older brother a letter , im still in denial

27. i dont watch tv, i watch dvds on my laptop
28. my glasses are stupid fresh, got them transition lenses
29. im your mothers role model
30. i coin phrases (aint doing shit niggas)
31. i love my mother more than she will ever know, but i sill refer to her as an ATM (ALL TRESSA'S MONEY)

#FREELARRY

I finally sat down to write my older brother a letter. He wrote me back in like Jan/Feb and I am just now wrting him back. Does that make me a bad sister? I wrote to him to tell him that I have been too busy, but am I really? I could have taken fifteen minutes out of my day to write my brother. Or maybe its because I just can not deal with the fact that he is not here. It has been almost three years coming; what do you do when you're best friend is no longer there? Not able to call me and tell me stupid little things. Its hard but I know in the end that I will be okay.

sunday morning

I am the best , I see no point in striving for it. Who are we then, if we can not proclaim who we are with confidence? Many can say that they are trying, whereas I prefer to say that I AM. You can only make yourself be who you are and who you want to be, not what they say that you should be. So claim your independence, claim your rapper status, but do so with confidence. If not then be judged by those who will bring you down, and let them tell you who you are.

the twin and i

this is my twin and i . Aren't we lovely. Even though we only live right down the street from each other , I hardly ever see him. He has finally gotten his life together, and I am smiling for him.

Today in Life

I am hitting a snag in my writing. I am trying to deal with a lot of things, things that I have yet to address in my life. I finally wrote an essay about something traumatizing that I went through, and it took me about a year to write it. I felt like it was finally time, because I never addressed the issue. But here I stand, and I am strong. After everything I have been through in life, I still manage to persevere. I am proud of me.

rapper

i think i could be a decent rapper . considering how lame hip hop has become now a days , if i just say some shit and it rhymes i should be getting a deal right ? i have such a bad headache right now . also if you want you could throw some autotune on my voice and ill bet you i could sing !

My Disappearance

I have been gone for quite sometime, but now I am back. I have been really busy. I moved back to Massachusetts, things just were not working out in New York. I had a car but it is gone now, but I have a job so I am on a mission to get a new one. Back on my school status, but this school is so lame. No one takes Massasoit seriously. This is a two-year school, why have you been attending this school for like four years? It is seriously time for people to get their lives together.

i say to you

this struggle that we go through is a mere hurdle
fighting against all odds to survive.
butchered and hammered into the ground lay our hearts .
two divided fragments of a soul fractured . undone .
inequities of a being ; they struggle to maintain the unified bond even through sorrow . triumphant is he who dealt the first blow .
a solid creation of god ; one rib cracked shall bring forth anew.
so you see, in essence we are one in the same .
let go of the pain , the strife , face facts and see what is needed most.
beyond even where finances and stability can reach .
in the end we shall rise ; together man and wife
hearts beat in unison on the inside
while the rhythym of your blood flows through my soul .
through the battlefield of belonging is the consistency of war .
not one left victorious , all wear wounds of twice healed scars .
rather to fight than to submit is what i choose .
as long as the battle is with you .
at last the fight seems worth it .

my mothers daughter

last i checked my name was chanelle

my inpsiration
courtney, ms. blevines, whichever works for you
but as of late i guess people must have forgotten
i love to claim my names (just ask anyone who knows me)
yet, they still refer to me as "tressa's daughter"
or the classic phrase of description "she's just like her mother"
what the hell does that mean?
realization has drawn my conclusion
nutt heads as we may, i am the mini-version.
although i am fighting for my own recognition, i am starting a revolution for all the other out there like me.
to be known as something different.
the umbilical cord says otherwise. opening that gaping hole. that belly button.
one of the greatest conenctions that could possibly be attained.
i love her still, she will never be replaced as she course through my veins.
i told you i have strived to be better, but when made to walk in her shoes, they fit as if they were my own.
i began the transition to embrace her identity
to show nobility in calling myself my mother's daughter.
i will walk in her shoes, yes, but i will do so taking my own path
so i am my mothers daughter
but please, call me chanelle .

feel it ?

i close my eyes so that i can see you with my soul
i am nervous but the darkness behind my eyes helps me to focus. a surge of adrenaline rushes through my veins. as i try to convey my thoughts to this crowd.
daring to take a peek, to see if any are swayed by my speech. do i move you?
can you feel my pain?
the redness in my face shows im anxious, but i desperately need for you to feel me.
without communication we'd be zombies, searching for a purpose and the right means for living.
i know if i open my eyes i am subject to a sweat bath, shivers, and non-breathing. but i still need for you to feel me!
my words are real, and i have something to say. to hell with anxiety, you can't keep me from my blessing. i'll stand here and lose train of my thoughts, but that's why they invented cue cards.
guess i'll be uncomfortable, but i have some things get off my chest. so i'll lift these heavy lids, and if the odor from my sweat starts to make you feel uncomfortable, just bear with me.
i want to tell you how i think. a poem to recite.
i'm scared, but i need for you to feel me!

afraid

i am living , but what is to come of me when i am gone?
i am scared , because i do not believe
so many use His name in vain, but do not praise His ever-lasting glory.
i can not succumb to this, although my prayers are on the tip of my tongue.
i can not bring myself to say them
i am scared
the anxious feeling in m chest does not bring comfort
i wish it was a bit easier.
that vampires were real so i could be bit into immortality
or that a wizrd could majesticaly grant me eternal life, never-aging.
this is blasphemy, but the imagination can only help to wander
i am scared
so many fights, so many dying, mass funerals right now as i breathe
i live in the sanctuary of my country while others fight to survive, yet i claim to be scared
panic attacks become more frequent, my breath is harder to catch, and insomnia keeps me from my dreams.
they are relentless! i make a mark in the world just to be forgotten
i am scared
i do not want to die. my biggest fear next to heights. i am shaking as i write, because the next breath i take could be my last.
we are not living. we are stealing time, i can not describe how i feel, but i can tell you that the thought of death consumes me. leaves me empty
i will always be scared.

ADSN

It is 2010. And sadly we still have people who "AINT DOING SHIT".

we refer to them as such: aint doing shit niggas.

niggas who are thirty and have NO LICENSE. not even a damn permit.

niggas who want rides places that they can't even get to by BAT BUS.

niggas trying to borrow twenty dollars , but got money to go the club .

niggas who still talk about how they "trap" and are twenty five years old with a kid and live on someone's couch .

being over the age of forty and selling percocets for a loaf of bread .

my father seems to be one of these culprits; he just lives his life through weed and alcohol. how embarassing.

this is just the beginning , its a disease . if you have witnessed ADSN in your local neighborhood feel free to report them !