new year !

ummm... i really dont have an yresolutions
i love myself just the way that i am thank you very kindly
i might get drunk, make a few drunken phone calls
hahahaha
you may just get one from me

after the last time i was drunk,
i learned NOT to mix vodka and brandy
smh never had a hang over like that before



but anywho .
umm i hope this year brings peace and happiness to everyone
i really wish i could have he who must not be named here
but hes too far away
when im inebriated he might here some strange things coming from meeee

HAPPY NEW YEAR !

life without you

life without you
is like me without me food
christmas carol no scrooge
no vacations just school

its like a red shirt and green sneakers
finders but no keepers
losers witouht weepers
making me feel like a fool

similar to jay-z retiring
and mcdonald's expiring
a grand opening, but no hiring
can you catch my clues

almosst like losing an ear to tyson
a group of black people and no fightin
a graffiti wall and no writin
what do you think i should do

a dance party and no one's a dancer
the whole world having cancer
cupid not being the romancer
leaving me to make the moves

a puzzle without the pieces
an aunt with no nieces
pieces and no reese's
thats a crazy idea too












like michael jackson without his little boys
r kelly his girls and his little toys
sigfrieds circus and no roy
ill stick to you like glue

x'os without the o's
december and theres no snow
a pick and theres no fro
the sky is no longer blue

its everything that i feared
my eyes are wet and teared
its all so very weird
thats my life without you

im holding you captive

OK. So to set the record straight, I AM NOT GAY !
Damn is it a crime for someone to like rainbows in this day and age.

My Dooney & Bourke bag is rainbow colored.






As well as my Nike Dunks.


I like bright colors. WHAT THE FLIP.
My older brother is gay. I have no problem with gay people.
They have rights just like you and I.
I LOVE GAY MEN THOUGH.

*If I could I'd probably be one.

total loss

Today my life almost ended. Seriously. I was taking a bath, and like the genius I am, I didnt plug the ipod in the stand so the music would play out loud. So of course, quite naturally, when I leaned back the ipod fell in the T-U-B !




I LIVE for my ipod. without it what in the hell would I do?! Seriously. Ugh. I was on the verge of tears. But luckily a blow-dryer and some handy dandy paper napkins worked wonders for my precious little story-teller.

Other than that, its pretty much the usual. I am getting more and more obsessed with this guy every single day. I dont know what it is about him. Hes special to me in some odd way. But like I barely know him. Something about him is very different. and im hooked after all of four days. Go figure ...

by the way ... did i mention that i like rainbows !


*that doesnt make me gay [o.0]

what is this ?

if this is not love then what is this?
i catch myself inadvertently counting the days until his birthday
what a wondeful celebration
i can vividly remember the smell that he left behind on my pillow that morning
and the smell contined to remain there even after i had washed them
his skin radiates an almost heavenly glow
beautiful. golden yellow. fresh rays of light from the sun.
certains songs bring him to my memory. and if i close my eyes hard enough, its almost as if he is laying down right beside me.
just the mere thought of his skin near mine makes me burn from the top of my head all the way down to my toes.
i get ridiculously nervous whenever hes around
my heart begins to race and i cant think straight
if someone measure my heart rate they would notice when hes there it skips a beat
ive felt love before and i font feel that now
but it feels like my day starts and ends with him
its almost forbidden to say his name
almost the adam to my eve
but i know that he does not feel the same as i
so i guess im doing this alone
what
is
this ?

i mean what is love?
is it the rush you get
is it that chill up your spine?
how can you explain something youve never felt before
how do you give a dictionary meaning to something i'd describe as a acquired taste.
to truly love is to love unconditionally
to love all the negatives and the positives that make someone who they are
all of the characteristics
not just what makes the person beautiful
but the ones that would normally repulse you from a person
who decided that one man alone should determine the definition of love?
isnt everyones version of love different
dont we all have our own preferences; dont we all have our own separate flaws
no two figerprints are the same
so isnt it safe to say that no two loves are the same?
some people say that love involves tender feelings
and what if youre feelings are not tender.
but instead they burn as if they were from the firey pits of hell itself.
is it no longer love because it is not tender?

some random words on halloween

with each day that passes
i get a little bit older and a
little bit wiser. im not what

you would call a band wagon
fan. i live for myself and
what i believe in. following

campaign trails; its time
for a change (the first
year i get to vote) and

maybe he can bring that to
us. but who's to say? surely
not i. my words are no

more important than the
pen and the paper i use
to convey these thoughts.

i rety my best to stand out
from the crowd. not your
average girl, with short

black hair and neon orange
nails. but in the end i
realize that this is just a

show and i perform for
(you) my audience everyday.
the images we give are

what we want people
to percieve us as. we
are all putting on a show.

blindly tossing out "nigga"
thinking because we dropped
a few letters and picked up a vowel

that it makes the term less harmless.
when not too long ago it
made you less than what you were.

ccopying what we see on tv.
never realizing that we
are all impersonators.

no one is orginal. we
are all one and the
same. and being such

we have rtights. the right
to speak up and out. the
right to copy and the

right to attempt being different.
to be gay. to be straight.
to live. to breathe.

to
be
you

night shade

the night it comes alone
most of the time. but sometimes
the night is known to come with some of its
companions, the moon, the stars
i believe it is most stunning
when it comes by itself
the sun begins to shy away
the mosiac of colors paint the sky
brilliant shades of golden yellow
transform into delicate shades
of lilac. deeper shades of blue
to black.
at night is when the world is quiet
night is when i find the most peace
everything seems that much
easier to accomplish
at night the city is alive. painted
with flashing lights and street signs.
airplane views are the best at night.
when the world sleeps; that is when
i stay awake.
with my pen to the paper and my thoughts
on the ticking clock.

pimping hoes out the fanny pack

sooo ... in the ninth grade, I decided to write a rap.
This is the rap lmao.

p to the i to the m to the p
thats what i am but my names nellie
got my hoes on bended knee
out on the block tryna make my cheese

i pimp those hoes like no one knows
got em standing on the corner when its really cold
got em barely dressed til their business sold
put the money in my pocket rubber band and fold

Blippity bloo blah

I deserve to love and be loved. I LOVE egg nog. But does it love me in return? hahahahaha.







So my sister has officially been dubbed "REPTAR". Hahahaha. In this picture of her she looks like him. I think it's hilarious. Im such an ass.

I can not seem to get he who must not be names out of my thoughts. We swap pictures back and forth. There are so many pictures of him on my phone, people would think he was my man if they saw! MM MM. I thinkk he is bertiful. [BEAUTIFUL]

anywhozers. more poems and such coming soon. too lazy to type them now.

FROM MY HIGH SCHOOL DAYS:
There's a fat nigga at the door
Come on in fat nigga !
-Bad Boys of Comedy

Love at First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I do and it came at me out of left field !

I have never been hit so hard with it.

I mean I've known love yeah sure. But not like this. Its not love in depth love. Like the kind that grows with time

It's affection, fascination, borderline obsession love.

Now the only REAL question is: how long will it last?
These things usually have a funny way of ending.

In the great words of Bobby Caldwell:
Some people go around the world for love;
But they may never find, what they dream of.
What you won't do. Do for love.

christmas trees

So I am sitting in the living room staring at this big screen.And all I smell is pine. The christmas tree is still up of course. haha.

I am watching Reno: 911 Miami. This movie is hilarious! "Where you from you don't know gator?" ... "That gator dead." hahaha mucho comedic

So as of now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I dont know what it is that I want to do next with my life. Besides going to school, and getting a job, what am I supposed to do next?

I have no love. I have the support of select memebers of my family. But my heart is broken, and I dont know if I will ever completely be Chanelle again.

I used to be this crazy out going girl. I have always been a nerd, that part of me will never be gone. But at the end of the day, I am like the exo-skeleton {i believe thats the word}, of who I used to be.

I just dont know.

So for now I will play Wii !

LYRICS FOR THE NIGHT:
come break me down
bury me bury me
i am finished with you

look in my eyes
youre killing me killing me
all i wanted was you

Greetings from MARS

Sooo its like 1252 AM eastern time.
I am wide awake with the same song on repeat on my ipod.I bet you can guess which one THAT is.I am a bonafide mess honestly.

How is it that one song can you tie to you ONE person in some inexplicable way? Because thats whats happening now my little booger.

I listened to one song off he who must not be named page. AND IM IN LOVE WITH THE SONG. [Not with him of course I barely know him hehehe.]

But this song makes me think about how his layout reflects the song perfectly. Its bertfiul[beautiful) I must confess.

On the background of his layout there is a picture of him, and hes looking off in the distance. Yo no se. It just makes me think.

Im loaded up on a SUBSTANTIAL amount of eggnog. More than any one person could handle alone. But then again, I am a UNIQUE individual of course. One of a kind is what they are calling it nowadays.

*minor note to reader : this calls for a separation of borderline OBSESSION and mere fascination. I am a curious individual when it comes to he who musn't be named. Tis all.

LYRiCS OF THE NiGHT :
I treat you good ; just a little
Kiss you on your lips ; the ones past your hips

Do you have the time to stay |tonight| ?
Do you have the time to stay for [life) ?

this is ...

Its a constant battle bewteen my heart and my mind;
I'm confused without a clue and dazed all the time;
Its a sensation in its place and I can't find
Just how to do or how to prove what I want to describe.
Its like the ying without the yang you know it just aint right;
All my fears and all my tears get so hard to fight;
And a drop is all I've got before I begin to cry;
Then ill look up to heavens and ask god why;
There is no room in your heart for you and I;
I see your face when I wake and when I close my eyes;
Maybe its a dream not what it seems am I just living a lie;
When I'm frustrated and I can't take it I give a sigh;
Because I know what I want and thats for you to be mine;
I put my hands behind my head and stare at the sky;
I shouldn't be alone you should be there to help bide the time;
Without you my heart won't start causing me to die;
But with you its different YES giving meaning to my life;
And with you I'd be strong ... having you by my side;
Nothing could take us down not even the oceans tide;
And there's something special I've been saving for that lucky guy;
With another chance for romance we could soar so high;
true love is what we search for and that you just might find;
because with me you will see the truest meaning of life;
once I get you I'm relaxing settling down to unwind;
and I'm waiting with anticipation life without you is a crime.

this feeling

i feel a pulsing between my thighs
this feeling ive never felt before
it makes me search and yearn for more
cant fight the feeling no matter how hard i try
so i guess the feelings here to stay

ive tried to make it go away
but deep down i know that i like it
so for now i wont fight it
dont know how much longer i can stay this way
theres something ive got to do

that person i want to share it with is you
want you to go deep inside me
because right now i think its time see
lets do what we came to do
in between the sheets

the place where our bodies meet
hope it feels good when we're together
might be the best feeling ever
satisfaction is guaranteed
as we take off each others clothes

strip down clean from head to toe
there might not be another chance
in the corner wrinkled pants
go somewhere quiet when no ones home
as my body starts to tremble

starting to feel like a sex sxymbol
the sensations at it highest measure
my body seems to like the pleasure
feel so weak i want to crumble
cant wait to do it again

remember loving every inch
the trace of hands across the surface
still remember being nervous
more nervous than ive ever been
but i loved it anyway

Merry Christmas !

Merry christmas to all. I didn't really get too much, I don't need too much to make me happy. I just love seeing others smile! I DO however have an obscene obsession with this song by lloyd. It's not even new either [o.0] which fascinates me. I never heard it until yesterday. I can't get it out of my head!

Funny thing is the only time it sounds right is when I go on the guy's page who I heard it on.
He fascinates me as well lol.
For the time being I guess I'll refer to him as he who musn't be named !
He IS dashing though I must say hehehehe.

I am honestly just trying to drink all the egg nog in the house.
*One of the most delicious things known to mankind.

EGADS !
I can't put my ipod down to save my life . =]

thinking twice

I am confused. I am posting all of my poems, and I wonder "Why does love hurt so bad"? I always thought that love wasn't supposed to hurt. Funny thing is that the first time I felt that pain, I wasn't technically in a relationship with the boy. Now it's like do you put yourself all the way out there to be hurt all over again? Starting over from scratch scares the bejesus out of me. I am not too sure that I want to deal with all of that heart ache. Because what if its not just bad for me? What if it is bad for him too? Each day that passes I see the things that I have lost. They always say that what doesnt kill you is supposed to make you stronger. So why do I feel weakened by all of my experiences? It has taken me so long to pick up the pieces of my misconstrued life. I have only just begun the healing process. I take it one day at a time, because thats all I can do. I am trying to learn how to stop stressing the little things. It's not really worth it in the long run. A bunch of added stress that I honestly know I dont need.

my life without you

life without you
is like me without food
christmas carol no scrooge
no vacations just school

its like a red shirt and green sneakers
finders but no keepers
losers without the weepers
making me feel like a fool

similar to jay-z retiring
and mcdonalds expiring
a grand opening, but no hiring
can you catch my clues

almost like losing an ear to tyson
a group of black people and no fighting
a graffiti wall and no writing
what do you think i should do

a dance party and no ones a dance
the whole world having cancer
cupid not being the romancer
leaving me to make the moves

a puzzle without the pieces
an aunt with no nieces
pieces and reese's
thats a crazy idea too

like michael jackson without little boys
r kelly his girls and his little toys
sigfrieds circus and no roy
ill stick to you like glue

x's without the o's
december and there's no snow
a pick and there's no fro
the sky is no longer blue

its everything that i feared
my eyes are wet and teared
its all so very weird
thats my life without you

what u doin' girl?

i dont know what to show you girl
i dont know what i have to do or what i have to say
but i can tell you this much right here now girl
that what you doin ... now this heres this wrong way
you do things no one approves of
because you think he wants more than whats in them jeans
im sorry but theres no other way to say this
without coming off rude and saying it mean
you think that what you do is cute
and i hate to say it ... but someone has to ... its really not
you need to think twice about the assumptions you make
becasuse theres always the girl who can take what you think you got
and i dont want to see you sell yourself short
for some dumb punk spitting game to girls on the street
best believe if it goes down and you get pregnant
he damn sure aint goona be around to worry abot that baby
just go on, go ahead con tu vida loca
one day ... girl ... you know, you might end up raped
this fam speaking to fam .. it dont get no better
im not writing this for me ... im writing this for your own sake
so im telling you now girl better come correct
look him in the eye and say to his face "im not the one"
walk away, head up high, and be proud
shoot ... girl ... i cant believe what you just done

because of you

because of you i no longer smile
nothing ever seems worthwhile

because of you i have no emotion
always leave a girl hopin;

because of you i ve lost all faith
love has left without a trace

because of you i feel so empty
now sweet kisses no longer tempt me

because of you im all alone
theres nothing left to call my own

because of you i wrote these lines
with the hope there wont be a next time

just another day

theres nothing special about today
nothing special for me to give
no store bought cards to give to you
what more can i say
its just the way that we live
and i just want you to feel the way i do

its something i cant describe
a feeling thats really strong
its something ive always wanted to share
todays the day it must be right
ive been holding onto this for so long
and in my heart youve always been there

im going to say what i said before
what i say isnt so tiring to hear
it never really was a big secret
this time ill know it means much more
words beautiful enough to catch a tear
i should hope that you fdsit

without further adue my undying love
sent forth from my heart to yours
a love renewed with each new expression
receiving guidance from the heavens above
i know now that this love shall never bore
because of our special relation

tell me what i should do
tell where i should go
give me a piece of your advice
this is all brand new
these feelings ive never known
and to understand it i would sacrifice

untitled

because i see you in my dreams
youre everywhere i go
youre the air i breathe
the freshly fallen snow

the kiss upon my cheek
the smile creeping slow
happiness is what i seek
this you already know

not everything is what it seems
the beautys hidden below
but to this only you can reach
with your heavenly glow

without you i could never be
because im only half and not a whole
but once you have completed me
this love can further grow

out to you my arms i reach
dont ask just go with the flow
to my heart you hold the key
maybe its time to just make this official

let it be

if i take a smile
and put it in my pocket will it be there to stay?

could i take the days
and feel like time is always on my side?

if i stayed awhile
would you listen to what i have to say?

if i asked for always
would you ever promise me a lie?

if it doesnt matter
then why does everybody else seem to care?

am i just a piece
what would it take to complete the whole?

which could be sadder
knowing youre alone or being told no one is there?

if i say please
will that mean you will play the role?

where does it end
if i never did know were it began?

what would you do
if there was notheing left in the world to see?

could you have a friend
someone whos taken you away or someone with you whos ran?

i wouldnt be able to tell you
so for now ill let it be

My Night Clubbing

Yesterday was the first night that I really went out here on Fort Drum. We went to Watertown. Well first we had to pick up Nina. Who lives right on the canadian border. Amanda came too, she lives closer to us so we got her first. It was a fun experience, but I was like CONTROLLED by one guy. He just wouldnt leave me alone. Overall, I thought of a bunch of poems that I could write when I was there, but I couldn't really write anything down because I was so busy dancing!

december 15, 2008

Sometimes I feel funny. For instance, now I am nauseous and my head pounds. As I write, I can hear the sound of the pen scratching on the paper. When my eyes blink, I can hear them flapping shut. What next is there to life? Other than to count the moments and seconds that tick by. Each moment seems a little bit longer than the first. I stare off into space a lot. Trying to embody what I see into words. But its so hard. And now im drawing blanks. I guess this blogging is my only was of escape. I need to express what is in my heart and on my brain. The nervousness I feel at times. The only was of describing that feeling is by comparinng it to be as close to being scared of death. Who knows what's next? I wish I did. But until then, all I can do is write.

label of daughter and shared tears

You made me feel less important than them
When their umbilical cords were cut.
I never spent as much time around and

You never seemed to marvel at my
Accomplishments in the paper. I tried my
Best to impress you;

What with titles such as peer leader and student of T.A.G. Under my belt.
But I was missing the label of "daughter".

I went from wanting you to sing me
Lullabyes, to wishing I could say
Good-bye to you in my life.

Promises of fishing trips, a thing of the past.
No family together time, never knew where
I could call home.

Home I know now is where my heart is.
Although I did let my anger get the best o
fMe. My grades began to slip as well as


My sanity. My struggle went unnoticed
Though. As you slipped into a world filled
Of nothing but Boe. I was left alone to

Fend for myself. Too young to drink but
Old enough to know right from wrong
.I still succeeded. Came out on top.

It wasn't the typical brockton high
Ceremony of a thousand or more, but I
Still considered it mine. It went

Without your normal whsitling cheer
That one would expect. There were only
Thirty or less in the cafe, so could you
Please hold your applause

Until the end. Surprised you even came because
Out of anger only a week before I told
You where you could go instead. You showed up

Anyways. So instead of blaming you for my short-
Comings; I instead thank you for the tears
You shed when you hugged me and told me you were proud.
That's the day I got my label.

Slit

she lays in the bathtub

steam rising from the sruface
candles burning on the edge
smells like apples and cinnamon
bubbles coat the surface of the water
the knife lies perched on the counte
rthe blowdryer on the edge of the toilet
her mind never stops racing
her fingers never stop twitching
each drop of water on her face is heavy
she licks her lips and sighs
life for her shouldnt have been this way
things were supposed to be simple
she had a plan, it wasnt meant to fail
but there she was pregnan
tjobless, homeless, no love at all
what purpose do i serve' she asked
as she reached down to grab the knife
the blow dryer couldve gave the shock she needed
but she wanted to bleed out her pain
the steam created drops on her lips
she licked them off, and then gave a sigh
she knew what she had to do
the world just became to much for her to bear
even the ocean that she soaked in to wash away the pain
felt like death and despair
she poured candle wax on her skin
watched it burn and watched it dry
drew designs deep in the wax; her initials
cut upwards, veritcally. deep down into her skin
and watched each drop as it spiraled
swirled down the drain, and to her end.