Chanelle Courtney Blevines the First

So I have realized I am one of the most random people that I have ever met in my life. Ha hahahahaha . I think I am one of thee ONLY girls who claims the first as a part of their name . I think I am going to get it legalized .

I also have a problem with listening to the same song over and over and over again. Right now it is between Mariah Carey's new song Obsessed, Muse song Super Massive Black Hole, and Throw it in the bag remix . I don't know why but I can't help but listen to them .

Joseph came back the other day. It was weird because he has been acting kind of odd lately. But I guess I can be okay with that , because I am a BLEVINES. Once you have some its like you never want to go back.

I am also contemplating moving back to Massachusetts. I no longer see a prupose for me being here. The whole point of me coming here in the first place was to get away from all the drama, but it seems I cant even avoid that in a random town like WATERTOWN. So I might as well stay in Brockton and deal with shit I already have dealt with before you feel me ? Plus I miss my little sister and my friends. My little sister is my EVERYTHING .

On another note I work at Wal-Mart and at Hollister at the current moment. I am going to wait until I reach the 6 month mark at Wal-mart before I move so that I can transfer to Massachusetts so I wont have to go out there and search for a job. It makes life so much easier.

Ugh, another thing ...
people need to get off Obama's nuts. It seems that this is still like a major transitional period for people. Personally I think it is ridiculous and has been too publicized. HE IS ONLY HALF BLACK IN THE FIRST GOD DAMN PLACE.

he makes me

time is standing still
i dont want this to end
i am ready for love ; ready to fall
i can only hope that he is there to catch me

sexify me

im in the mood
to take off these clothes
they feel so heavy against my skin
undressing you
your scent is in my nose
with each breath that i take in

i am ready now
the desire is far too intense
your love is what im searching for
sweat is on my brow
the feel of you ; its delicious ; its this scent
begging for , yearning for , needing you more

gentle kisses here and ;
caresses penetration has left my body weak
i love the feel of your fingers across my chest
nothing else is better than
this satisfaction and joy youve given me
because you , it is you , youre the best

For them

My words are always simple
I will never blind them with knowledge that they can't understand
With wisdom that is far beyond their reaches
I touch even the most simplest of people

seasons

this is it
what you never wanted it to be
i am no longer trapped in shadows
do you recognize me ?
do not be disappointed
i never wanted to be you .
never could be .
i have instead become me .

Lari

it is the thought of you that brightens my day
you are my brother and that is forever unchanging
wherever you go i will follow you
and where you can not to go ; i will lead
even better side by side we can travel
if i have to ; you know that i will carry you

what you thouqht ?

so i realized i have an INSANE obsession with :
peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches , [it has to be on WHITE bread, and it has to be TOASTED, i dont do that RAW BREAD SHIT],




chicken hotdogs [only eat the BAR S , also on TOASTED WHITE BREAD],











and SAUSAGES [by banquet, comes with 10 in the box !, with ketchup =], and they have to be crunchy !].





oh yeah and apple juice or mountain dew to wash it down .

DONT JUDGE ME ! lol .

the truth .

im a sucker for love .
i fall in love faster than most people go through a bag of skittles.
i cant help it , its who i am.
i guess its what makes chanelle, chanelle .
hate it or love it , ill never change .
thats just me . =)

my attempt at rappinq LOL

[do it to the stanky leg beat]
when these niggas see me they want to feel up on my legs
i guess i got that swagga ; make em wanna get up in my bed
he better open up wide ; so his mouth can get fed
he lick it up he lick me down ; then i hit the doug e fresh
i know he want it all the time ; cause he said that im the best
he pick me up then wipe me down ; so i can do tha stank legg

i get it ; i hit it ; im with it ; he miss it
i live it ; i spit it ; get with it ; get with it

i hit the booty do ; now look what i can do
you can do it to ; hit the whoop-de-doop

hopelessly devoted to you .

im such a big grease fan. only lord knows why. im watching it right now as we speak lol. i love to talk a tad bit TOO much i think sometimes. without words i dont know where i would be. i think id be like a shell of a person. like a caveman ugg ugg ugg.

easter is coming up on sunday! and i think i want a basket. a really nice easter basket. im like a giant kid, so dont mind me. mickey mouse is like my best friend, and so are the backyardigans. i talk to them practically every single day.

oO yeah and the stanky leg is by far my new favorite dance LMAO. its CLASSIC. hit the booty do !

my words of wisdom for today .

front and center

i try to find sleep ; but every night it evades me .
i cant be mad because this is what God made me .
thankful for this brain that the good lord gave me .
because without it my thoughts would cease to amaze me .

bath and body

so today i am about to be headed to work soon.
umm im in the process of getting dressed. [not working out to well].
seeing as how we only have to do floorsets and such. im going to be at work when the store is closed. owww.
its not too good of a day tho; because its that time of the month.
at least i have my ipod!

habit

in this pattern of confusion lies my doubts
my eyes ache ; and my brain throbs at a pace to match that of my heart
i am scarred ; far beyond where my soul dwells
jagged lines of a rigid cut show where ive been
it was the cure when i had no options
this has been my resolution .

soul searching

[written on march 30]
sometimes i dont even know who i am anymore. i try to be someone who i am not. my words and thoughts are what i use to define me now. but what do they mean? everyone has their own interpretations of what they read. so when these people read my thoughts what do they see? why should i care? i would not be surprised to hear that i am a misguided soul that is daily struggling. but if someone was to give me a positive outlook, i wouldnt know what to do with it. i really must think nothing of myself if i must seek the critique of others to define me. what have i become ?

imprints

i dont want to leave this world in peace
when it is my time to go ; it will not be quick or quiet
i will leave my name ; you will remember

in this

i am generally one who is in control of her emotions
but when it comes to you ; i am suspciously in awe
i strive to be a permanent aspect of your life
all that i ask is that you never let me go

r.i.p. chantal , anthony , and cora . 3/29/09

i believe god sends down fallen angels
and once their purpose has been served
he calls them back to heaven
to be by his side once again
and when the rain comes
they are his tears sent to heal us all

simple .

seriously ; what can i say .
i am not a hater ; i dont like people who hate .
there are better things to do to occupy your time .
and it seems as if I develop new ones daily .
do you not have anything better to do with your life then ride my dick ?
sorry to be vulgar , but thats just how i feel right now .
im tired of it ; im too old for these games . im caked up .
dont have time for the immaturity , i hit puberty years ago .
lately my mind has been crowded . dealing with the death of my three friends , my brother being incarcerated , and my mom being on dialysis , how could it not be ?
i no longer find the time to sleep ; insomnia has once again crept on me and attached itself to my hip .
im scared ; because i feel like i am losing myself .
i dont find a reason to smile any longer ; but i DO find a place of escape .
those are my poems .
they creep up on me in the weirdest ways . in my sleep ; in class . when im in the shower . in the middle of an algebraic equation .
i am a poet .
this is what i do .
i take the bad and make it into something good .

inspiration

i have confessed to him the depth of my emotions
yet he doesnt know how to respond .
i dont even know how i fell so fast .

Unsafe

It seems as if I am mistaken.
Day in and day out I keep trying to see change, yet I never see it coming on the horizon.
I still am not too sure what it is that I should do. I won't even be able to find out about my mother for a long time now. I wont know until the end of May. I struggle evryday with these feelings that I have inside of me.
I hate not being able to change anything. I hate feeling like I am isolated only to what is in the immediate perimeter around me.
It is now coming upon two years since my brother has been in jail, but still I can not come to terms with what is going on. Why can I not take him out? I wish I could even though I know that I can not.
My mother is sick. My twin brother is sick. And I feel as though these are all my burdens. I feel as if I am the one that carries them all on my shoulders. It is up to me to find a way to fix it all. But what if I can not ?
I do not know what I will do.

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erased .

so when is enough , enough ?
when are my feelings and my words not enough to make someone else feel the need to pay attention .
i dont even know what to do anymore . im stuck between a rock and a hard place .
i think i know what i SHOULD be doing , but that doesnt mean that i want to .
i feel like a dog with my tail in between my legs . i can only take being abused emotionally by someone for so long . especially when i keep pouring my heart and soul out to them .
im trying not to cry ; because i know i am above these tears.
but i have a feeling they are going to fall anyways.

older women

kids say some crazy ish .

sunshine

could it be
could this feeling be love ?
could these touches , these kisses , these unspoken whispers
could it be
could it be joy
this happiness , these smiles , these tears
he gives to me .

untitled

theres nothing i can say
i am at a loss for words
they escape me ;
no longer staying with me like dreams through the night
they have better things to do
but all i want to do is remember

at the moment

these eyes of mine are gazed over
my heart once so warm is now cold ;
no longer beating its familiar rhythym
my thoughts are not making sense
my words ; abstract with no purpose
i am traumatized
is this all that is left of me?
i never even had a choice

pssst .

i am quite excited seeing as how i have finally found a job ! bath and body works employee =) .
i am currently falling in love ; judge me all you want but i cant help how i feel .
i found out my blood type . B POSITIVE . not too sure yet whether this or a good or a bad thing ; but we shall find out soon enough .
i plan on buying a car pretty soon .
and at the moment i am reading the book thief . you should pick it up . this book is awesome !
it serves no particular purpose , but it did happen to catch my eye when i was at the library at my school .
i am also on a poem publishing prowl . my dear mother bought me three books that should help me on my quest . i love this woman .
WISH ME LUCK !

october 3

born only two minutes apart
she weighed slightly more than he
yet still one in the same
he is her twin ; he is her better half
the ying to her yang
he is the fire on her neck
he is who she sees looking back at her in the mirror

brush of lips

this woman ; her face is tear stricken .
layers upon layers of salty river beds
my skin shows a reflection of the same
those sturdy four walls are no longer her sanctuary
she finds comfort in the numbers that it takes to reach me .
solace is the only companion she has in the shadows of her mind
i return my ever growing gratitude to her
my falls and cement-scraped knees never went without her remedy of a kiss
so who am i to deny this woman the same ?
her scars are ones that i heal with lips of my own kiss .

way of it

i have the right to question whatever i deem necessary
it is my access to knowledge ; more powerful than any bullet or gun
that you may possess
i can mend wounds with words ; mend broken hearts with limericks
start a fire with quick the scratches my pen makes across the paper
leave my audience in awe ; on the edge of your seat
jaw dropped ; baring all
waiting anxiously to hear what i unravel next
im scheming

p in vagi

my body ; it yearns
it searches for the heat emitted from your skin
that warmth sends out signals ; it radiates this feeling in my body
this place is sacred ; for you and i alone to share
divine intervention ; thats what we can call it

reflection

who is this girl looking back at me
she is so troubled by misery
frustration waits; its hidden deep
an insomniac; she never sleeps
crumpled by the pain; a broken heap
afraid of words and what they mean
inside my body; my voice it screms
not letting myself go; afraid to leap
these poems are what i use to speak
the word love is what now causes grief
i seek the life thats in my dreams
nothing is ever as bad as it seems
i long to be loved; i long to be free
nothing is what ive become to be

lately

lately ive been thinking
crazy things been going through my head
maybe you already know, but maybe its just me
i love being your friend, but i think im starting to catch feelings
take this friendship a little further
no holding back
let everything out in the open and see where it all leads
not a test, not a quiz, but an all day lesson
i cant believe i didnt think of this sooner
i wonder if you even know ... lately ive been starting to change
i want to tell you but i dont know you would react
youre different from everyone else
i think maybe thats the reason
but ...
i dont know ...
maybe its just me ...
thats how ive been feeling lately

alone

precipitation heavy and blank comes from a dreary cloud
each raindrop is a piece of it a little tiny shroud
it blocks all my positive thoughts leaving me with doubts
and brings darkness to my mind something i could do without

in the dark there is no melody just the burden of being alone
in my mind just an affliction of having no one to call my own
seemingly without a purpose like a single stepping stone
and to you is where my thoughts usually tend to roam

a question left unanswered dangerously floating in my ind
like an unsolved mystery the midding link to a heinous crime
the key that unlocks the door but its somewhere i cant find
confused and unable to think clearly losing track of days and time

the perfect person to supplant my troubles is you
taking away the loneliness making me feel brand new
the way i feel will never change this much i know is true
hopefully im not the only one maybe you feel like this too

the only way that i can seem to start a brand new day
is to think that maybe now i can change you in some way
and bring about my happiness to keep my fears at bay
trying to keep lamentations to myself because i know its never going to change

random rap -n words stay strapped - john lopes and chanelle courtney

chanelle courtney :
we go way back ; i stay strapped
drive by in the cadillac
damn got four flats
shit how we getting back ?

john lopes :
dont worry black,
ill pump that,
up,
with a pump,
and if not fuck it,
ill call a truck to pick us up,
well get there in a jiffy,
ill just hit up ricky,
hes cool with me,
hell scoop us and we'll pull off like that stickers that cease to be sticky

chanelle courtney :
riding past your house at 9;49
got the heat ready and im right on time
got to keep it steady, blasting off that four five
held it down by my clit the entire time
shouldnt have been talking shit cause now your life is mine

john lopes :
yes we on the way,
heat is tucked away,
got my homie in the passenger,
ready to cock and spray,
so watch what you say,
or we'll hit you from a block away,
with that trey 8,
so dont hate,
we got it locked now,
you think you tough clown,
dont make my window roll down,
youll see the four pound
and all youll hear is boom pow

chanelle courtney :
thats what you get for talking shit last week ;
run up in your spot hit you right between the ass cheeks .
dont let that red dot catch you right near where your eyes meet ;
hit you in your throat make you choke not able to speak
fucking with my niggas will leave yo ass in a mangled heap
my rhymes is priceless ; you just mad your shits cheap

john lopes :
hold up, lets stop
enough with all that tough talk,
lets go for a walk,
pass the lighter so i can spark
the fat ass blunt
that i rolled up,
afteri scooped up the weed from goof
and lets troop
walking and puffin
is that a dunkin donuts?
lets go inside and cop somethin
bout to cop a soda
cus my mout is dry, fuck !
got some smoke in my eye,
here take the blunt,
cus i need a breath
this shit right here? this shit is death

chanelle courtney :
to the face is where i took it ; this isnt nothing new
laced on some other shit ; dont even know what to do
took another hit ; and fell in love with goof .
ill be his main bitch ; thick & thin through & through
not riding the dick ; hes more than just my boo
connected at the hip ; hes my supplier too

john lopes :
yes its evident, j lopes is heaven sent
here to take over the world, just for the hell of it
im clever wit
all the words that leave my lips
im killing shit
i leave em wit
nothin to say since i killed the alphabet

they call me the mic embezzler ; cus i slam it like a wrestler
rock it like a chair and have you wavin in the air

chanelle courtney:
first name chanelle but you can call me slipps bitch
breaking up happy homes ; ill be gone on that quick tip
never stay too long , just enough to get my dick fix
bitches never want it ; kiss your man and taste my clit bitch !

john lopes;
see im all about good times
you can see it in my rhymes
i have a great life
fuck being a thugs like
cus aint no nigga fresh as me
everything is flashy
from the fitted to the sole man
see my kicks so oh man
on the cam tip
yes the dip shit
from my tee to my lace tips
ya you know im killin it

chanelle courtney :
what you thought ; shortys hot
slipps the four eyed wonder geek
still keep it hood looking good
witn rainbow dunks up on my feet
i write these words to diss these birds
its me and john we bring the heat
pay attention homes mira ; ill have you viva la vida
roaming all alone and sweeping streets

kidney

i am scared for you
as much as i am scared for myself
this is a step that we take together
hold my hand ; i will jump off the bridge with you
if you drown ; i will drown too
unless someone can save us
a piece of me will become a piece of you

transplant

be free mother ;
release yourself ; be no longer restrained
let loose the chains that hold you
if you can not ; then i will lift you up
so that the wind may carry you away .

space

An abundant wave. A raging sea of terror.
These are part of my emotions.
Part of what lies beneath the surface.
The surface of my unhappiness.
Of my confusion and doubt.
Things that I wish to be rid of;
Things that I could do without.

qwerty

Behind this smile lies a world full of pain.
I am the epitome of sorrow; of despair; of loss.
My life is not what I would want it to be.
Its not the worst it could be, but its not the best.
Although complaining will get me nowhere, I can't help but to.
When you've been alone for so long, your voice is the only thing to comfort you in the silence.

beautiful

with knowledge comes wisdom
and with age comes beauty; beauty from within
all things considered you are beautiful inside and out
wit beyond measure
a heart that lies just beyond my reach
a soul once so pure has been tainted by me
your eyes sparkled; with a glow that shows youve been beautiful for years
your imagination is vivid and runs wild and free
you seek only happiness and pleasure
I hope not to get in the way of your journey
but instead to join you in your quest to determine the true meaning
because of you I found love; and I am determined to keep it
so long as you let me; a little piece of your heart is all I ask for
so instead of being ugly, I can be beautiful too.

cupcakes and skittles

dont you understand
that i dont give a damn
where you come from

behind the lies
i begin to realize
that i am not the only one

i see the truth
it cant be just us two
you and i ; alome

deep within my heart
that which you tore apart
weighed down like a heavy stone

abstract stalker

people of all shades
skin as smooth as silk
if he is wounded; he will bleed the same as i
eyelashes are slightly curled
no questions have been asked
it makes me nauseous to think of difference
when we are all one and the same
but just different in social structure
what makes one person more important than the other?

hot cocoa and whipped cream

my pen has yet to touch paper
no subject is woth discussing
so instead i write freely
the president they say is one of "color"
but what is he to me?
he represents change but does he represent the lack of change in my wallet?
how can i relate ; he does not know me. we are not from the same environment.
he sits in the whire house ; how ironic because his background comes from one of color
unbeknownst to the nation that black is the absence of color.
where as white is the blending of them all
so maybe "white" people are not as pure as they think

on top of my knees

my life has been a struggle
i dont mean to complain ;
but it hasnt been picture perfect.
but throughout it all
i remained CHANELLE
ive been pregnant, homeless, to jail.
but who am i to bitch ?
when there are others less fortunate than i?
all i can do is strive for change .

insomniac

my thoughts are my shadows
long [&&] dark ;
stretching with guidance from the sun .
but i am guided by the moon
he is my friend ; when the world sleeps
he is my comfort .

nerdswaqqa

I haven't been here in quite some time.
I have been writing [ SPONTANEOUS POETRY ].
Very inspiring.

I start school on tuesday. Very excited. I have five classes in total.
Intro to Sociology, Intro to Criminal Justice, Criminal Evidence, College Composition, and Intermediate Algebra.

I have had to cut a lot of people off. Things that I thought were working in my favor are no longer working. So im done with all of them.

I am also in the middle of a really bad scare. But I'll see what happens.

kid cudi [future husband]

blank stares

Ummmm. Pretty much at a loss for words.
I have a lot that goes through my head at night.
So much to the point that I can't sleep. Gives me insomnia.

I am trying to get my life together. There are a lot of things I want to do.
Everyone has new years resolutions to change. I am happy with myself the way that I am. There is nothing to change here.

I just want to accomplish more. So that wouldn't necessarily be considered a change. More like an add-on.

I may be moving back with my mom. Depends on whether or not she gets rid of the leech in her house. He is the reason why I left in the first place. I wasn't having that. Nosiree bob.

There is so much going on in my head at once, that I do not know what to write first. Poems after endless poems.

On a further note, I am going back to Massachusetts this thursday. So excited. Get to see a lot of my friends. Family ... ugh ... yo no se.

Anywhozers, might go back to sleep. Or eat. Who knows.

to he who must not be named .

even though ive only known you like for a week, i think something is drawing me to you and i dont think im going to let go of that. like yeah youre cute but its more than that. im like mesmerized. and like im really trying to go all the way to [] to see you. thats weird. i dont do things like that. scary. iget goosebumps when im on your page lol. grrrr. i want you.

life is a game that can never be won

an easy way to escape
a solution to all problems
the black hole at the end of the tunnel
the idea in the back of everyones head that never comes out unless provoked
a sense of finality and completeion
a pattern of desperation with no change
the beginning of the end
a tidal wave in foamy black waters that swallows you whole
a doubt in a reason that clearly answers why
an inspiration for the future
the black shadows in the corner
a darkened treasure in my possession
that last breath so sweet yet so profound
one simple chance of a life times passing
or maybe just half of living
a promise that comes sooner or later than one might think
just as easy as it can be given life can be taken

bat cave !

sooo
im like really tired
i cut my hair really short the other day
im probably going to cut it again tomorrow

i made a few drunken phone calls
as expected
while laying on the laundry room floor hahahaha

ummmmm ... i stayed up until almost four oclock
and tried to sleep in but to no avail
my cousin kept waking me up !

other than that i had fun
we took THOUSANDS of pictures
we were pretty wasted

and i held true to my word!
only vodka and hypnotiq.
i was a good little cookie.

im thinking about possibly planning a move back to wisconsin.

i feel like im imposing on corey and vanessas life.
like im taking up space. like im not supposed to be here.
I dont know. I need to think about it.

anywhozers to the bat cave robin!